FlatForms: Trendy, or a Tragedy?

All of the fashion magazines have explained to me, ad nauseum, that “the seventies are back,” “the nineties are influencing fashion,” and that I’d better get on board.

And then they tell me that this – this – is trending:


Derek Lam Stacked Wedge Platform Pumps

No.

No, just no.

NJN.

These are part of the flat platform trend, or as some Neanderthal said – no doubt while eating paste – flatforms. Lindsay and I think that they are, by and large, ugly. This may be because we both owned them in the nineties, and the ones we owned may have been the foam flip flop version.

I’m just saying, we have experience. Trust us.

Or don’t. Just know that the shoes below are the best I could find, the ones I felt were least repulsive out of my short, painful flatform shoe hunt.

I did it all for you.


Tory Burch Ellen Wedge Sandals

That’s a two-inch height difference, and the highest I’ll go in terms of these heels. Key word: flat. These almost didn’t make the cut. Notice their relative cuteness compared to, shall we say…


Michael Kors Crocodile Effect Leather Platform Sandals

…these. Designers, I would submit that if the name of your shoe is bigger than the heel-to-platform ratio, you’re doing it wrong. Simple math.


Chloe Leather and Canvas Platform Espadrilles

While I like the idea of these, the execution leaves a LOT to be desired. Imagine wearing them. Imagine your poor arches.


Juicy Couture Dragon Wedge

Imagine your feet, again. Imagine the splayed toes. Even the word sounds gross. Splayed.


Moschino Leather Wedge Slingback Sandals

I feel like it’s sticking its tongue out at me.


Belle Sigurson Morrison Wooden Wedge Sandals

I think the shape of these is a little better, but they’re still not doing it for me. The best of the bunch? Never mind: the straps are elastic, and do I see velcro? All bets are officially off.

This is what I’ll be wearing instead of flatforms:


Miu Miu Washed Cocoa Leather Wedge Espadrilles

How amazing are these? They have a 2 1/4 inch heel, which means my ankles will thank me while my foot aesthetic remains unchallenged. (Confidential to Miu Miu: that “the name of your shoe is way too long” thing still applies.)

 


Derek Lam Washed Cocoa Leather Wedges

Another gorgeous pair. These only have a two-inch heel, so they do fit into my definition of flatforms, but they also have a toe-confining…apparatus…and a t-strap. And I need everything t-strap.

READ  Pic & Pay Giveway! My Boots from the Fall/Winter 2017 Line

Will you wear flatforms this summer? Why or why not?

  • I totally agree with you!! No just no!! wedges HAVE to have some height differense between the toes and the heel! that flat thing is plain ridiculous!

  • Oh. My. Goodness.

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

    Srsly. (and I only take the vowels out of that word when I mean business.)

  • Ahaha! I had those awful foam flip flops too and NO! These make your feet look huge and you’d have to walk like a duck in them. There’s really no roll to your foot in the super flat ones. If I were 6′ tall and rail thin and could pull off short shorts without cellulite then maybe I’d wear em. Really, it’s all about the wedge heel.

    • If I were 6? tall and rail thin and could pull off short shorts without cellulite…

      Please see: the models on net-a-porter.com. I saw an example of flatforms on the model and was like “Oh, those aren’t bad…” then I remember they have about 6 inches and -60lbs. on me, haha.

      • That Net-a-Porter model would look great in a paper bag. She transforms everything.

  • Those shoes have absolutely no redeeming features. Any of them.

    A total waste of nice leather.

  • Pingback: Jai Marshall()

  • Kristie

    The real tragedy of this post is that of the two redeemable pairs, the cheapest is $396??? Really? I got the Beautiful, but what happened to the Broke??

    • This is part one – inspir…ation? Part two is coming in the form of wearable, redeemable, BUYABLE pairs of *shudders* flatforms. I promise, we’re on the lookout!

  • Good call on the Miu Miu’s! They’re definitely keepers. But you’re so right… I absolutely remember my 3rd grade self slipping on my rubber/foam platform flipflops and feeling OH so hot. Pleasedon’tcomebackPleasedon’tcomeback :X

  • Nope! No platforms or flatforms for me. I’m already tall, so adding any more height tends to make me hunch over more than normal. Especially if I feel my balance is being challenged, which happens when standing on 2 inches of cork.

    You know I think the trouble is with most of these sandals is that they would look just as tacky at regular height. Likewise, the last two ‘good’ picks would be gorgeous as shorties, too.

    But those Chloes..if only they didn’t have stacks of potholders under them.

  • In with you 100% on this trend, I WILL NOT be toppling around on a pair of these ever. However I have to admit, I also had the foam flatform flip flops… NEVER AGAIN. LOL However the Miu Miu’s would be a welcome member to my shoe collection!

    Ash
    countrygirlcityworld.com

  • I agree.. I hate this trend more than anything!

  • haha. I have a friend who loves flatforms and wedges. This is a great list of ugly and great flatforms, eh. :)