Great news: you can now buy baby clothes, bullets, and Kinfolk Magazine all at the same convenient online destination!
Let’s jump right into this flaming volcano: it has been revealed to the world’s peasants that Glenn Beck has a fashion company. Not just a fashion line: a fashion company. And they just added a women’s line.
Let that sink in for a second. And before you even go there – look at the date. April 2nd. Diligently published the day after the day you’d expect to read something like this about America’s 2nd most embarrassing representative of right-wing ideologies (Westboro Baptist still has you beat, buddy!). I waited to pust until April 2nd to emphasize how not-joking I am.
Meet 1791 Supply & Co., Glenn Beck, pleased to see American’s homes burning, has finally given us a “constitution-upholding,” “all-American” denim line which is poised to quickly for the first time fix the body image problem in America. 1791 offers sizes 0-18 in women’s jeans, which – like I said – fixes the body image and standardized sizing problem in America. For the first time. And now, he wants to fix your daughters.
…And all it’ll cost you is $150! You’re welcome, ladies.
Unless you want your fixed body image in a vintage wash, then it’s $170. But problem: fixed! Remember, it’s your God-given right to feel pretty, ladies. You’re welcome! Again!
You know who deserves to feel beautiful at any size? Who really has it rough when it comes to shopping? Rich women. Maybe more notably rich white women, as the only skin tone readily visible on the 1791 shop is a pasty, European land-stealer white.
Also, in case the only light chambray shirts at Nordstrom Rack are covered with the blood of children, you can grab an All American, life-simplifying chambray shirt for only $90.
…And this is but the first of many gifts that this announcement has given us on what is truly the Goodest of Fridays.
The 1791 website is sheathed in perfectly hipster tones, complete with heavily bearded male models, wide-brim hat-wearing gals talking about denim on their hip Instagram, and washed-out minimalist videos of jeans being hand-distressed by a 20 year old German model. (Okay, I don’t know, but we certainly seem to be keeping young, beautiful, white people employed – which is exactly what the 35% of American families who are on welfare need right now.)
They even have Kinfolk Magazine on sale. On the off-chance you don’t religiously follow The Kinspiracy — Kinfolk magazine represents a damn-near unachievable level of minimalist online presence. It claims to encourage you to “simplify your life” but what it really does is make your favorite Instagram shots look like shit and encourage you to spend all your money on glass pitchers and oxford shirts – making it perfectly aligned with the Just A Simple American lifestyle that 1791 is promoting.
But – what on EARTH would inspire someone like Glenn Beck to start a fashion line?
The answer is: Levi’s.
Yes, the most all-American of all-American things in the exact industry that Beck, who equates the “global warming bandwagon” with the holocaust, is now trying to break into. Levi’s Jeans.
He explains it best:
Beck says it was a Levi’s commercial last year, which seemed to celebrate Occupy Wall Street (or at least youthful protest), that made him want to create jeans of his own. “Levi’s wants to be the uniform of the progressive movement,” he said. “That’s when I took off my Levi’s.” –Bloomberg.com
Shuddering at the thought of Glenn Beck removing Levi’s, first off all. Second of all – am I understanding this correctly?
1791 Supply & Co. was founded because the most popular jeans, Levi’s, were supportive of the Occupy Movement?
Glenn Beck, annoyed by families who “keep complaining about 9/11,” finds the most popular, USA-made denim brand to be too progressive to wear. Whereas these $150 1791 skinny jeans took a week of meals away from me, but that makes me feel like an American!
Pretty awesome considering 1791 uses the same denim factory that Levi’s uses for their “Made in America” line. The punchlines are flying at me so fast that I am having trouble focusing.
Beck’s name is oddly missing from the… entire 1791 website, pretty much, except for the meta-description, visible only in Google’s search results, where you see this description for Shop.1791.com:
Welcome to the 1791 Supply & Co. Official Store! Glenn Beck’s official clothing line. Shop selvage 1791 denim jeans made in USA, polos, t-shirts, ties & more.
Out of sight does not mean out of branding: Beck’s God-graced touch is all over the verbiage and general feel of the brand. Everything from the nod to the ratification of the constitution which occurred in – you guessed it – 1791, to the wildly anonymous “Our Founder” page wherein Beck secretly muses about what it means to be a man, a man who used to like “money and status” but doesn’t now because he has all-American things and a family and stuff that isn’t gonna break.
He even makes some very hip appearances on 1791’s Instagram.
Here’s a great video where 1791 claims to be “the first American blue jeans.”
Yep, never seen ’em before in my life.
Speaking of denim brands that have been working their fingers to the bone for years to create Made in USA, high-quality, accessible denim only to be deemed “un-American” by this FIRST all-American denim brand — here are some who aren’t charging you 25% of your rent to wear a set of numbers in a free font on your ass:
- Round House Jeans, est. 1903 – Avg. price: $50
- Lucky Brand Jeans, est. 1990 – Avg. price: $129
- Texas Jeans – est. 1979 – Avg. price $19.99
- All American Clothing Co. – est. 2002, Avg. price $35
- Diamond Gusset – est. 1987, Avg. price $62
- Schaefer Ranch Wear – est. 1982, Avg. price $64
- L.C. King – est. 1913, Avg. price $59
- And of course, these 10 listed in the Complex article, 10 All American Denim Companies Not Owned by Glenn Beck which are more trendy and pricey.
- Glenn Beck has a fashion company called 1791.
- It’s the first Made in USA denim brand since the last one.
- He calls his daughter Marilyn Monroe because he has misinformed her about her size in order to make her feel better about the standardized sizing disaster in America.
- 1791 sells $150 jeans but also baby clothes, bullets, and camping tents.
- Daddy Beck likes to ham it up in hipster gear on Instagram.
- Glenn Beck started 1791 because Levi’s supported the Occupy movement, but used the same factory as Levi’s to produce the same products Levi’s has been making for ages, but claimed that they were the first to make them. Ever. In history. *blink*
Welp, that just about makes my newly-started weekend.
* Real quick — let me just officially say on my very official blog of importance that MARILYN MONROE WASN’T EVER A SIZE 14.
I, Lindsay, am a size 14. My waist is 33″, Marilyn’s was 22″. My bust is around 42″, Marilyn’s was 35″. My hips, 44″. Marilyn’s, 35″. Can we stop saying she was just like us! now?
The average American woman is 12″ larger in all departments than Marilyn Monroe. So let’s stop comparing children to sex symbols from the 50s like its some kind of grand achievement, and additionally, you’re wrong so wrong wrong wrong.