The Mermaid Identity Crisis

There’s an epidemic running wild among women who are hitting their mid-twenties and deciding:

You know what? I should have been a fucking mermaid. 

Who knows why women in their mid-20s are all deciding legs are crappy and identifying with mermaids primarily through hair color and glitter use?

Maybe it’s the combination of crushing school loan debt that backhands you with reality right around age 24, or maybe it’s caused by the apathy many of us feel towards having periods (mermaids are all no legs, no crotch, no periods and I’m about that life), or perhaps it’s the belief/realization that all romantic relationships are as complicated as Ariel and Eric’s, so why not live under the sea about it? Being an adult is lame sometimes, and having a double-life as a mermaid certainly seems to come in handy when there’s no blanket fort available.

mermaid life fear of shallow living

Source: Marjory Mejia

Regardless of the road you travelled to get to mermaid life, the first step in the transformation is always exterior (since obviously you’ve been a mermaid inside this whole time).

Mermaid Jacket

Source: @fiona_newbury_makeup

This usually included such symptoms as a heightened appreciation for sequins – particularly green and blue tones, a sudden desire to grown one’s hair out “until it covers my boobs,” dying said hair pastel and sunset colors, and/or wearing found items as jewelry and treating them as if they were genuine dinglehoppers.

Valfre Shellphone Case

Shellphone Sea Shell iPhone Case by Valfré

NYLON, the popular manic pixie dream girl bible magazine, has a full shopping area devoted specifically to mermaid garb.

Most of that stuff is crazy expensive, but a bunch of that stuff is also sold out. This mermaid business is no joke! Luckily, hipster magazines aren’t the only ones who can spot a siren suit from all the way across the internet, thank you very much.

(Also there will be no $75 socks on this website ever on this site, ever, ever. Guaranteed.)

Dat Mermaid Hair Tho

If you think clothes and accessories are the only steps involved in gal-to-seagal transformation, you’re sorely wrong. Every piece of you, from hair follicle to nail bed must be involved. If you already have long, wavy hair that happens to be 2-4 different shades of candy colors, go ahead and skip to the next section. The rest of you will need to cough up about $250 and/or a cosmetology license in order to make the full transition.

Mermaid Hair Short Blue Purple

Source: natahsaromanoffs

Source: Justine Skye & Funtime & Queer Trash

Obviously, when you walk out of a salon and you have hair that mimics tropical sea grass with vibrant highlights, every penny you spent on it is worth as long as you love it. (And how could you not?) If you’re not willing to go full hog on your normal-people tresses, don’t worry, the commitment can be a little bit smaller.

Source: Countrprts & Chaotic Blessing

And really, if you feel like you can work it, don’t dye a damn thing and get creative with your cuts & styles. These chicks did:

Source: Taking A Selkie & The Universe is Her Crown & Water Nymph

Mermaid Makeup

Source: Johanna Nordlander & Batty Makeup & Meghal Janardan

The beauty industry is all over this, of course, not only because there are several million dollars to be made, but also because people mermaids are way more likely to experiment with makeup because obviously they have thrown all fucks to the wind. If you’re going to walk around with neon green and turquoise hair, you might just be the type of person to wear a tame green lipstick or orange eyeliner.

Deborah Lippmann released several mermaid-themed nail polish colors, from Mermaid’s Kiss to Do The Mermaid, and each have an element of shimmer which is highly appropriate for such a reflective creature. Ciaté even has a nail art set made with real sea shells that will increase your mermaidness by at least 50%. (And it’s on sale at Bloomingdale’s for 50% off! It all checks out.)

Even Wet Brush (subject of my recent affections) has a mermaid-themed brush, and it’s also on sale!

Are we missing a crucial piece of this transformation? Let me know, I’ll add it! Having never become a mermaid, myself, I can only share what I’ve gleaned from my observational studies. (Note to self: get more quotes from actual mermaids next time.)

What would it take for you to throw it all away and live your life under the sea? (Don’t worry. You can breathe there in this hypothetical scenario but please do not try this without proper SCUBA equipment.)