You’ve watched every horror movie from every decade and country. Now you find yourself wondering whether you could survive these scenarios in real life. While these may seem obvious, the rules to staying alive in a horror movie often fall by the wayside for the characters.
In every horror movie (and even cartoons like “Scooby Doo”) the main characters decide to split up and investigate the situation. This is crazy and stupid. Don’t do it! Stay together in a nice, tight pack and get out of the house, woods or creepy, deserted street together.
While you’re busy not splitting up, call the police for heaven’s sake. Even if the killer tells you not to or you have some other bizarre reason you think you should figure it out yourself, call the police anyway. They’re there to serve and protect, so let them.
Don’t Go in the Basement
Or upstairs. Or into the creepy dark room. Or the house that’s whispering your name. Just don’t. You might be tempted or drawn to these places for one reason or another, but that’s the best way to get yourself killed. If things start moving around of their own accord or you think you have ghosts, get out of the house. If you think you hear something when no one else is home, don’t go looking for the trouble on your own (see rule 1). These dark places tend not to have cellphone service or good safety exits, so they’re best to avoid altogether.
Stay Away From Dolls and Clowns
Are you kidding? You have dolls with beady eyes and plastered-on smiles just waiting to come to life and kill you? And don’t even think about going near a clown. These are sinister beings that you don’t want to mess with no matter their size. Get them out of your house and as far away from you as possible. And if you even start to hear a note of a creepy nursery rhyme or laughing children when no one’s around, start running for your life.
Avoid the Woods
… and secluded areas. This is where things always go wrong in just about every horror movie. You get a cabin in the woods where no one can here you scream and you have no cell reception. Learn to be a city person. Look for an apartment with a well-known service or find a real estate agent to get you in a safe area. You may have to get used to the danger of crowds and cars (and you have to go through the horror of house hunting), but isn’t that better than having a murderer in your barn or by the lake?
Prepare Your House and Car
Even if you follow all of the previous rules, you still could get stuck in a sticky situation. Install a home security system to help protect your house whether you’re there or out and about. Make sure to find a camera with good night vision so you can see what’s happening even when it’s dark. You can use this to monitor your home while you’re away or even when you’re inside the house and hear a noise that doesn’t belong. Especially if you have one of those basements you heard about earlier (again, don’t go down there!), set up a camera so you can see what’s happening and still survive.
As far as your car goes, make sure you have everything you need in case you happen to break down in the middle of nowhere (especially if the hills have eyes or there’s fog near the woods). Know how to change a tire and what to do in the case of an accident. Get the best first aid kit money can buy (horror movie characters tend to trip and sprain their ankles a lot), and keep it in your vehicle. Stock your car with a satellite phone so you’re sure to get service no matter where you end up.
You don’t have to be a brainiac to survive scary movie scenarios. Use your common sense and don’t do anything that seems immediately dangerous. Good luck.